And with a tickle to fine-leg he brings up the hundred... and what a hundred it was! The crowd stand to give him a standing ovation, and he laps up the applause...
I guess what I'm getting at is that this is my 100th post. Sure, like a good innings there have been highs and lows (like the cricket election... remember that! What a mistake that was...) but I got there in the end.
Here's to the next hundred!
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
SMN: Alastair Cook joins Twitter, banned from it within 20 minutes
English cricketers have a long and difficult history with Twitter. Tim Bresnan famously told a fan to "fuck off" after calling him fat, Under-19 captain Azeem Rafiq called his coach a "wanker" and Graeme Swann induced a fatwa after insulting ginger people worldwide.
However, despite the incredibly likely negative publicity that being on Twitter will inevitably cause for cricketers, England's cricketers have continued to sign up. Realising that he was the only player to represent England in the last twenty years who is not on Twitter, mild-mannered part-time sheep farmer Alastair Cook braved the new technology by registering for the site.
Under the name AllyCooky26, Cook has already been suspended from the site by the ECB pending a full investigation. Within 20 minutes of his first 'tweet', Cook had called teammate Kevin Pietersen an "arrogant prick", captain Andrew Strauss a "tosser", and sensationally told Jonathan Agnew's dog to "funk off your not even real" (sic).
Andrew Strauss, who has never been on Twitter released a statement saying that he was "surprised" by Cook's behaviour, and warned players from going onto the site, as it is a "bad influence". Following this statement, Short Midwicket News has learned that Matt Prior has signed up, and has already retweeted a Ceci Masters photoshop.
If you want to read more about England players and Twitter, buy the new edition of the Cricket Sadist Quarterly. I'm in it, talking about England players and Twitter.
Also, it's the first time I've sworn on the site, so be nice. I'm surprised it's taken this long.
However, despite the incredibly likely negative publicity that being on Twitter will inevitably cause for cricketers, England's cricketers have continued to sign up. Realising that he was the only player to represent England in the last twenty years who is not on Twitter, mild-mannered part-time sheep farmer Alastair Cook braved the new technology by registering for the site.
Under the name AllyCooky26, Cook has already been suspended from the site by the ECB pending a full investigation. Within 20 minutes of his first 'tweet', Cook had called teammate Kevin Pietersen an "arrogant prick", captain Andrew Strauss a "tosser", and sensationally told Jonathan Agnew's dog to "funk off your not even real" (sic).
Andrew Strauss, who has never been on Twitter released a statement saying that he was "surprised" by Cook's behaviour, and warned players from going onto the site, as it is a "bad influence". Following this statement, Short Midwicket News has learned that Matt Prior has signed up, and has already retweeted a Ceci Masters photoshop.
If you want to read more about England players and Twitter, buy the new edition of the Cricket Sadist Quarterly. I'm in it, talking about England players and Twitter.
Also, it's the first time I've sworn on the site, so be nice. I'm surprised it's taken this long.
Monday, 2 August 2010
SMN: Pakistan call up Inzamam, Akram for second test
Following the humiliating defeat at the hands of the English in the first test that finished yesterday, Pakistani selectors have been quick to add experience to their youthful side.
40 year old potato shaped batsman Inzamam-ul-haq, and 44 year old swing bowling genius Wasim Akram have been added to the squad ahead of the second test which starts on Friday. Despite both players announcing their retirements a number of years ago, both were convinced to restart their international careers ahead of the next test by current captain Salman Butt.
However, despite the joyous celebrations on the streets of Lahore at the news, Inzamam and Akram are unlikely to play in the next test, as they will not be able to receive visas in time. There was also the shock news from Inzamam that "I don't even have a bat anymore, let alone whites or pads". In hindsight, this appears to make a mockery of the PCB's decision to release 8 members of the Pakistan squad, meaning that Pakistan could well line up with only nine players on Friday.
Salman Butt called the move "risky", but still claimed that "I back nine of us to score more than the 80 eleven of us got last week". A senate inquiry has already begun in Pakistan.
40 year old potato shaped batsman Inzamam-ul-haq, and 44 year old swing bowling genius Wasim Akram have been added to the squad ahead of the second test which starts on Friday. Despite both players announcing their retirements a number of years ago, both were convinced to restart their international careers ahead of the next test by current captain Salman Butt.
However, despite the joyous celebrations on the streets of Lahore at the news, Inzamam and Akram are unlikely to play in the next test, as they will not be able to receive visas in time. There was also the shock news from Inzamam that "I don't even have a bat anymore, let alone whites or pads". In hindsight, this appears to make a mockery of the PCB's decision to release 8 members of the Pakistan squad, meaning that Pakistan could well line up with only nine players on Friday.
Salman Butt called the move "risky", but still claimed that "I back nine of us to score more than the 80 eleven of us got last week". A senate inquiry has already begun in Pakistan.
SMN: Ian Bell - "I don't really want to go to Australia"
While continuing his rehabilitation from his foot injury which has seen him miss out on the current England-Pakistan test series, Ian Bell has surprisingly revealed that he "doesn't really want to" go Down Under for this winter's Ashes tour.
Another ball bounces off Bell during last years Ashes
Bell, who still carries the scars (both mentally and physically) of previous Ashes humiliations, announced to Short Midwicket News that he would prefer to miss out on the tour in order to "have a nice Christmas with the family; play a bit of golf, have a bit of me-time".
Warwickshire batsman Bell, 28, boasts an overall test average of 43 , but this is boosted by his average of 378 against Bangladesh. However, against the fearsome Australians, he averages a measly 8.2. "I still have nightmares" confesses Bell, who is visibly shaken at the mention of Warne and McGrath. "The Aussies have ruined American Pie for me", continued the Sherminator lookalike, who had begun to rock in his chair.
England chairman of selectors Geoff Miller seemed upset that Bell appears set to miss out on his fourth Ashes, but revealed that Bell was only in the team for ethnic reasons. "Belly used to fill the quotas for us; he was our only ginger. But now with Collingwood and Morgan in the side, I see no reason for us to pick him. He really isn't that good", before adding "but what a cover drive".
Another ball bounces off Bell during last years Ashes
Bell, who still carries the scars (both mentally and physically) of previous Ashes humiliations, announced to Short Midwicket News that he would prefer to miss out on the tour in order to "have a nice Christmas with the family; play a bit of golf, have a bit of me-time".
Warwickshire batsman Bell, 28, boasts an overall test average of 43 , but this is boosted by his average of 378 against Bangladesh. However, against the fearsome Australians, he averages a measly 8.2. "I still have nightmares" confesses Bell, who is visibly shaken at the mention of Warne and McGrath. "The Aussies have ruined American Pie for me", continued the Sherminator lookalike, who had begun to rock in his chair.
England chairman of selectors Geoff Miller seemed upset that Bell appears set to miss out on his fourth Ashes, but revealed that Bell was only in the team for ethnic reasons. "Belly used to fill the quotas for us; he was our only ginger. But now with Collingwood and Morgan in the side, I see no reason for us to pick him. He really isn't that good", before adding "but what a cover drive".
Not Sky Sports News...
Yes, I have donned my reddest tie, and am sitting next to Jim White to launch my new feature - The Short Midwicket News. I'll be bringing you the biggest cricket stories of the day* (*not in any way factual), as well as player interviews and match previews. I may even break out Microsoft Paint and bring you a few pictures.
The Short Midwicket News - reporting for duty.
The Short Midwicket News - reporting for duty.
Pakistan should listen to my podcast...
I recorded a podcast yesterday afternoon. England had won the first test very comfortably, and I pottered down to my podcast recording studio (it's not as glamourous as it sounds - it's just a glorified shed) to speak about it. I said that I back Danish Kaneria to take loads of wickets in the next test, and that Pakistan would be stupid to pick Mohammad Yousuf as it would only disrupt the team. I also said that it wouldn't happen.
Cue my surprise later on when I saw that Kaneria had been dropped, and that Yousuf was in the squad for the next test at Edgbaston. Incidentally, this was before I had done all of my fancy editing (ie removing my awkwardly unfunny jokes and frequent 'eeeeerrrrrm's), but I decided to leave my advice to the Pakistani selectors in there. Because I know that I'll be right.
Pakistan will miss Kaneria's fix of spin (see what I did there?)especially if Edgbaston's a turner. And Yousuf won't be able to stroll into a team after a few months away from cricket and make runs. In fact, he may not be able to stroll into the country at all due to issues with securing a visa. If neither Yousuf or Kaneria play and Pakistan are further humiliated by England (which I also predict), I await the call to become the next Pakistan chairman of selectors. I might as well, everyone else in cricket's had a go...
NB - A few days ago I said I was growing a beard in an attempt to look older than Mo Amir. With MoYo back in the team, I've had a shave. There's no way I can compete with that bad boy.
Cue my surprise later on when I saw that Kaneria had been dropped, and that Yousuf was in the squad for the next test at Edgbaston. Incidentally, this was before I had done all of my fancy editing (ie removing my awkwardly unfunny jokes and frequent 'eeeeerrrrrm's), but I decided to leave my advice to the Pakistani selectors in there. Because I know that I'll be right.
Pakistan will miss Kaneria's fix of spin (see what I did there?)especially if Edgbaston's a turner. And Yousuf won't be able to stroll into a team after a few months away from cricket and make runs. In fact, he may not be able to stroll into the country at all due to issues with securing a visa. If neither Yousuf or Kaneria play and Pakistan are further humiliated by England (which I also predict), I await the call to become the next Pakistan chairman of selectors. I might as well, everyone else in cricket's had a go...
NB - A few days ago I said I was growing a beard in an attempt to look older than Mo Amir. With MoYo back in the team, I've had a shave. There's no way I can compete with that bad boy.
Sunday, 1 August 2010
Podcast - Cosmic Short Midwicket
In this podcast I look back at the first England v Pakistan test. I said that Pakistan should not pick Yousuf, and should persevere with Danish Kaneria. Oops!
Even so, have a listen. It'll be the best 15 minutes until the next test.
You can download the latest podcast, as well as look at the back catalogue here
Even so, have a listen. It'll be the best 15 minutes until the next test.
You can download the latest podcast, as well as look at the back catalogue here
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