Top Secret ECB email to Marcus North
Agent North. Good going. Yet another duck to halt the Australian charge. Our sources tell us you were totally clueless against the Indian attack, and helped contribute to an Aussie collapse.
However, as well as your doing to bring the convicts down from the inside, you're going to need to sort yourself out. While you've done a stirling job in integrating yourself into the Australian set-up, there are growing rumours that you are a double agent - or even worse; not a very good batsman. We're going to need to see runs in the second innings otherwise you're going to be out of the team faster than you can say "Steve Smith", and four years of planning are down the drain. If not runs, take another six wicket haul, that should ease the pressure a touch.
Of course, don't forget, keep doing what you're doing. Score no runs, offer ridiculous fields to Ponting, drop easy catches. But don't make it too obvious, Ijaz Butt is sniffing around for someone to pass the buck to, and we need you in place for the Ashes.
Remember, we only need you for the first two tests in Australia before you get dropped, and you can defect back to us. We'll provide you with shelter, diplomatic immunity, and you can have Paul Collingwood's OBE. But don't forget your briefing; we need you to be in the team if you can successfully throw the Ashes.
Keep up the good work. Roger and out.
Special Agent Strauss